Making a mockery of it all... The world of fantasy television stations and schedules

I have a confession to make here, I am a faker... No, get back up! Its not as bad as that! But I once was a part of the mock making community and a proud associate of the Afternoon Programmes Follows Shortly website, like many that I do know they had the same idea of making idents for companies past, present and future. Now I make no bones about this, as a researcher and a writer, now I write about shows and companies past and present here as you've seen over time. But part of me always goes back to those past days of making idents, OK so I drew idents in sketch books with felt tips but ask yourself when haven't done something similar with anything whether that be buses, fashion or anything involving design at all.

But when search through a few things I stumbled across a fantasy schedule which I made for the APFS website in 2003 of a notional TVS still being on the air at that time and of a Saturday schedule as I thought it should go. Some of you might say 'Totally wrong!' but its interesting to see how it actually developed in the real world and the changes which have happened since then that time.

OK we start with breakfast television, that first cup of tea and bowl of cornflakes wake up call

0700	AM-UK
	Featuring news and weather at 08.00 and 09.00 (Central/ITN Co-production) Right so, its come to pass that breakfast television is still on the air but now on a Saturday that ITV offers more children's programmes in that slot. Yes, its true they used to but also they had the regular magazine programme compared to the weekday version it was a like a pull-out from a newspaper at weekends. But I thought it would still exist in some form or the other, because everyone need news at 8am on a Saturday morning, right? Right?
0925	The Sunshine Show
	Join Wes Butters and Becky Hunter for another fun packed Saturday morning where anything can happen and usually does! Featuring guests Ally McCoist and Harry Hill. (Central Production) Ah yes, the Saturday morning children's magazine programme.. A rarer beast then the dinosaurs nowadays, you know I thought it would be there for ever much like children's programmes during the afternoon, but no.. We are subjected to something even worse then Ready Steady Cook now, repeats of Midsummer Murders for weeks on end. There are children's channels on Freeview and Satellite, but ask anyone as these programmes were a great start to the weekend, non thinking and entertaining. Who's awake enough to make some elaborate meal at 10am?   Plus the presenters, Becky Hunter was in the Channel 5 soup Family Affairs at that time and had done some children's television in the past, which meant she'd be perfect for the female role... See Sarah Greene, Emma Forbes, Zoe Ball etc, etc. But who the funky norse is Wes Butters, I think he was on Radio One at the time and now he's... Just he's.. I'm sure someone can provide the answer, maybe I was thinking along the lines of Noel Edmonds and Mike Read. Then again Chris Moyles went to Channel 5, did some stuff and went back to the radio...
1200	ITN News, Weather
1210	TVS News
1215	On The Ball
	Gabby Logan is joined by Clive Allen and John Barnes to preview the first day of the new Premiership season. (LWT Production) News, followed by sport. Natural enough for a Saturday, this was the time when ITV had just got the Premiership and of course there is Football Focus now but how long did Gabby Logan last until she high-tailed it to the Beeb? Clive Allen went back to Tottenham Hotspur to become a coach and John Barnes went through management until just coming to the media appearing as a pundit after going through Channel 5 as the host until they found Colin Murray and thought, can he do it? Well, haven't got anyone else...
1300	World Of Sport
	Jim Rosenthal introduces all today's top sporting action including the final leg of the Round Britain Powerboat race between Plymouth and Southsea, Hants. Racing - At The Races from Sandown and Wolverhampton, wrestling from Doncaster Town Hall. With the day's results at 4.40pm. (LWT Production) Right OK, I hold my hands up at this. Little did I know that eventually all Saturday sport would be focussed on live sport rather then bite sized chunks, well it was going that way at that time maybe wishful thinking trying to relaunch World of Sport but Grandstand was just about chugging along at that time. Racing was still very much a BBC thing at that time, but now it has gone all commercial with Channel 4 becoming the main racing broadcaster in this country even buying up the Grand National, well we wait to see what happens with that next year then...
1720	ITN News, Weather
1725	TVS News and Sport
	Rounding up all the day's news and local sport. What he said...
1735	The Pyramid Game
	Two teams compete for the top prize of £50,000 and for the celebrities there a chance of winning £5000 for their chosen charity, introduced by Paul Ross. (LWT Production) Ah, the smell of a Saturday night gameshow and one where people aren't just bashing into foam rubber with a small man laughing all the time, plus £50000 too! Blimey, I was thinking big then! Maybe hindsight, but if they can bring back Catchphrase and they did bring back Family Fortunes with Vernon Kay of all people. But Paul Ross, come on! He was big back then! If wet, Danny Baker...
1810	Search for a Star
	12 contestants aim for the top and try and become the star of tommorow. But its your choice who stays and who goes, as they get voted off one by one, presented by Bradley Walsh. (Phone lines open after the the show has finished) (Central Production) Yes, its Britain's Got Talent before Britain's Got Talent! A twenty-five million pound royality check please Mr Cowell! The same concept as all of his shows, but with Bradley Walsh who now is the gameshow king with The Chase of course. Stretch it over 11 weeks, job's a good 'un! There's more revivals then you can shake a stick at here! Plus another Central production here, rather then some company which has only been set up by a comedian in the past two days for tax purposes..
1900	Ultra Quiz
	Phillip Schofield and Tess Daly introduces a new series of the world biggest quiz from Brighton, in which 1000 contestants compete for the top prize of one million pounds, only if they can survive challenge of tasks set before them as the travel around the country. (TVS Production) Oooh! A million pounds with Phillip Schofield on ITV as it should be and Tess Daly, who went over to Auntie Beeb of course to become Brucie's nurse maid of course.. No! She is one of the BBC biggest properties of course! But considering this, German television do huge shows all the time. So why not a programme on the scale of this and plus a bonus with it too! No singing or dancing!
2000	Search for a Star result
	Bradley Walsh brings the result of the public phone vote to see who stays and who goes. (Central Production)
2030	Harry Hill's Saturday Allsorts
	Join Harry and friends with fun for the all the family featuring special guests Darius Danesh and Leslie Ash. (LWT/Avalon Co-production) Its Harry Hill's TV Burp everybody! What a killer combo too! Leslie Ash and Darius Danesh! Never did ever think that combination would ever work... Except in a Harry Hill sketch... Now, what are the chances of that happening!
2115	ITN News and Sport
2130	Tales of the Unexpected
	The Woman Who Lost Her Voice - Starring Lucy Davis as Tal, a young woman who is left mute by witnessing her family getting killed in a car crash. But Dr Susan Hamilton (Keeley Hawes) is convinced there is more to Tal then meets the eye. (Anglia Production) But this I can say I got sort of right, quality drama on a Saturday night. Now it maybe like a Doctor Who story this, but what better then Tales of the Uexpected to bring the threshold up. So Jasper Carrott's daughter and Keeley Hawes sounds like a dream combination or I'm guessing I'd had a rather hot curry that day... Though the thought about a drama anthology seems strange now but doing a different story each week maybe a future way of reviving a strand of dram which has laid dormant for a long time.
2215	The Big Match
	Matt Smith with analysis from Clive Allen, as they look back on the opening day's action of the Premiership including Manchester United V Bolton Wanderers, Arsenal V Everton and Portsmouth V Aston Villa. Plus all the goals from the rest of the day's games. (LWT Production) More sport and Portsmouth as a top flight club... We can but dream nowadays...
2345	The Half a Lager and Kebab Show
	Late night comedy, sketches and stand up featuring Jimmy Carr, Lucy Porter and the rest of the gang. (TSW Production) The Steam Powered Video Company in a Devon pub then.. Jimmy Carr, small then big now... Lucy Porter, small but perfectly formed and most probably Russell Howard too with one eye on getting the lead or is hat just his lazy eye again?
0045	The Hitman and Her
	Pete Waterman and new presenter Hayley Evetts aim to put the fever back into Saturday nights with great music, games and late night fun. This week the programme comes from Romeo's in Norwich. (Granada Production) Yes, its a club night on the television so after half a lager and a kebab, dance it back up in a sweaty club! Pete Waterman needing more money for rolling stock then and some Pop Idol girl then... All the big hits and we're still talking about Pete here you know...
0130	Weather, Closedown

Finally closedown then, don't forget to butter the table etc, etc... Now you could say that this is way off, there could be hints of a good schedule here but that was half the fun of being a mocker, coming up with new and interesting ideas but I am not ashamed of doing it at all. If it wasn't for that I would be doing this and thank goodness for that!

Have a good week, until next week...

Over 500 channels and in the beginning it was a dummy's head in 20 line vision, we've come a long way with television in 75 years from 4:3 to 16:9 and HD. But what's the part that anyone matters, its whether their show will be on at the same time every week, nay every day in some cases. The schedules have been a key pat of the growth of television if that be cooking with Fanny Craddock, A boxing match from the Empire Baths, Wembley or Jools Holland and Paula Yates giving a kick up the anals of television with The Tube. Looking through the television pages say for a Thursday, taking today (13/10/2011) as an example, ask anyone what's on BBC1 at 7.30pm tonight and they'll say Eastenders, that's no matter if they like the programme or not. Its like an in-built sat-nav really that we can tell without looking at television listings when our favourite programmes are on generally.

"Give it the works... *click*"

Scheduling follows a pattern in which the viewer has the familiarity of knowing, as Michael Grade once put it "The smell of a Sunday Night hit..." Sunday's are the night of the costume drama and the detective, the way of putting the feet up and immersing in a book only in pictures and being acted out in front of you. Something like The Onedin Line or Poldark is like a world of fiction spread out, as such for the ladies a strapping but rough hero who battles the rights and wrongs of his world as his mistresses go about supporting him but with enough pep to hold their own in this world. Even something as Bergerac or Shoestring can be seen in the same vain, action and also nice scenery to look at, the men make the programmes as such to be recognisable through the winter months, such was John Nettles' effect that he was able to spread himself from the programme guaranteeing work in panto, personal appearances and also guest star spots with the likes of Les Dawson on his show. The roaring fire and the warmth plus the knot in the stomach of every youngster of that they have to go to school in the morning, this sets the scene perfectly for the post cake and sandwich tea.

A schedule is like a variety bill and of course most the early protagonists for Independent Television coming from that variety background its little surprise they do read like a variety bill in that sense. The acts underneath such as comedians and speciality acts keeping the audience amused ready for the big star to come on and do their thing at the top of the bill. For instance with Saturday nights, entertainers or comedians have always warmed the audience ready for the big show. But in the past few weeks, the new BBC One controller has changed this by putting an edition of Celebrity Masterchef early on a Saturday night where normally Total Wipeout would be to bring in the punters for Strictly Come Dancing, seemingly it has changed the landscape of what a Saturday schedule should be. But that's nothing new, even back in 1970's Lew Grade thought ITV could better be served by putting entertainment in the World of Sport slot cutting down on its hours that they were broadcasting live sport each and every Saturday. That didn't happen totally until 1985 when the programme was seemingly out of date and eventually along with Wrestling, Darts and other sports that programmes like Mind Your Language, Please Sir! and also The Cuckoo Waltz were repeated saying that they were comedy classics. To the young viewer, this was pleasing to see something I had never seen before such as the same would be said also of Windmill on BBC2 at Sunday lunchtimes.

Stand aside The Bionic Woman... It's the Pneumatic Woman!

People plead for structure in their viewing still, know that something will at the same time each day. BBC1 always starts The One Show after a trip around the regions, how much to some people it might be as mind-numbing but it bring a viewer into the evening. They might not stay with a channel for a whole night now, we are offered the choice of viewing so during in a evening I could watch The Sweeney on ITV4, Inspector Morse on ITV3, Mighty Ships on Quest and Catchphrase on Challenge. We are given free reign on being the scheduler nowadays, but when it comes down to it, we just want to know that a programme will on the same time every week or that a certain type of programme will be on at a time.

Choice? The more we want, the more we are confused... Be thankful to scheduler, at least they've made a decision for you or if that's not your bag. Look out, go for a walk, read a book or perhaps we should go back to the potter's wheel... Then at least we know what the programme would be about then...